


Leave Me Bleeding

by mybrotherharry



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Blink and you will miss it reference to childhood abuse, Break Up, Clint is dyslexic, Dyslexia, Feels, Heartbreak, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, M/M, Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Team Dynamics, Team as Family, nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 20:35:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3542951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybrotherharry/pseuds/mybrotherharry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Phil Coulson breaks up with Clint, he doesn't think he can ever love again. The Avengers protect their own, even from heartbreak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leave Me Bleeding

**Author's Note:**

> This is the story of how the Avengers helped Clint recover after Coulson dumps him. There is a very minor reference to childhood sexual abuse (off screen, and none of the main characters). Major angst, and Avengers being a team. This is my first fic on ao3, I would love to hear what you think!

It is very early into their date night when they return to Avengers Tower, Phil and he. He is too numb, and it reminds him of the hours immediately in the aftermath of the Chitauri invasion, when, over Shawarma, Nat had whispered in his ear about Coulson. He knows the numbness is a prelude to when the pain hits, and it is 'when', not 'if'. Clint knows that the pain will hit, and when it does, it won't be pretty. It is like losing Phil all over again, and somehow, this is more painful, despite Phil breathing and being alive next to him. Maybe because, this time, this living-and-breathing-Phil doesn't want Clint anymore.

*

Natasha has his hands clasped tight in hers. He refuses to meet her eyes, so stark white and earnest. It is an unlikely friendship, theirs. Borne initially from his being assigned to kill her into their rebellious partnership, then their whirlwind romance, and now their trust and concern for each other. Clint has never trusted anyone as he does Natasha (well, except for Phil, but Phil has always been the exception). Natasha is silently offering words of comfort, not the kind that would soothe normal people, but comforting words for people like them. Natasha knows what it means to lose your gravity.

"I can get you out of here. You have no obligations to the Avengers. If you want out, Clint, I swear, I can get you out, SHIELD be damned. I have a car, fake IDs that even SHIELD can't track and currency waiting in a parking lot three blocks down."

He shakes his head at her, his gesture slight and nearly imperceptible, but he knows she will catch it. She is good like that.

"Clint, look at me," she urges, her voice gentle. He raises his eyes to meet hers, impossibly large. "Clint, you have nothing to prove to anyone. You have never needed his approval."

"It is not that. The team, Nat, and Steve - "

"Steve will understand and put your emotional needs above anything else. You know that!"

He smiles at her, his eyes watery but damn him if he cares right now.

"Can I get a rain check on exit strategy A?"

"It is waiting and ready for whenever you say the word."

*

He does not know why he stays. He has never stayed before, not without something giving him a cause to hang around. He has always been the man with one foot out the door, but he has been spoiled. Spoiled by the easy camaraderie, of having Tony or Thor catch him as he fell from places of high altitude, of having friends he can trust to watch his back and of having Phi - Coulson's soothing tones whisper in his ear. ( _"Hang on Hawkeye! Extraction is on the way! You stay awake, you hear me? I will wake you up just so that I can kill you if you die on me right now!"_ )

The other Avengers notice, of course they do. They are a bunch of really smart people, Bruce has at least three doctorates and Tony deserves a MENSA society of his own, so of course they figure it out less than ten minutes after Clint and Phil return from their (last) date and go in opposite directions to different bed rooms.

As high as the intelligence quotient of this particular group is, their emotional quotient leaves much to be desired. None of them actually bring up the name "Phil Coulson" in front of him, and he figures that Nat probably had something to do with that. They show they care in their own eccentric and weird little ways. Tony makes him a kickass, brand new quiver and some really deadly arrows. Bruce makes him a lot of herbal tea, and spends time with him going around New York. Steve'd had one conversation with him, initially, looking very apologetic and offering what Nat had, but with fewer illegal components.

"You can leave if you want to, Hawkeye. None of us will blame you. If you want to get some time away..."

"I am fine, thanks, Cap. It won't affect my performance on the field - "

"That is not what I implied at all - "

"And for the sake of my sanity, I really hope you had this conversation with Coulson as well, because it would not be fair if I am expected to leave because I am the broken - "

Steve had hugged him at this point and shut him up, before stepping back and saying, "Nat is talking to him right now."

A small part of Clint felt vindictive glee at that. Nat was very protective of him.

*

And apparently, so was Tony. Which was weird, really, because Clint now had a plurality of people concerned for him. He had never had that before. It was like a rule of the universe, that at any given time, only one person shall care about Clint Barton. He was not complaining, most people didn't have even that one person. It was just surprising, that's all.

The tension between Tony and Agent, as Stark called him, was so thick over the comms that Clint could probably pierce it with one of his brand new spanking arrows.

"Stark, seriously, focus. Whatever issues you have with me, we can discuss it when, I don't know, gigantic alien anthropods are not shooting at civilians in Central Park!"

"I am just saying - have you considered therapy? Is it a childhood thing? This pigheadedness to not recognize a good thing when you see it - ?"

This is the point when Steve would usually intervene, and get Stark to shut up. But today, he was conspicuous by his silence, as was the rest of the team. They were letting Stark bitch and nag at Phil over the comms while doing their jobs with clinical precision and efficiency. After a while, Coulson gives up and just lets Tony rant at him.

*

He starts wearing layers to bed, because he is too cold all alone.

*

It hits him, really hits him, when he comes down one morning to the Avengers' kitchen and sees Phi - Coulson bent over a plate of scrambled eggs. Clint hates scrambled eggs, so Coulson always used to make him a plate of waffles or pancakes or omelettes while fixing himself scrambled eggs. It is funny, how after everything, after dying a couple of times in the Agent's arms since their breakup, it is this - a stupid, lone plate of smelly eggs that breaks the dam.

His eyes are questionably blurry, and he turns and runs back to his room as fast as his feet would carry him. It is not the plate of scrambled eggs so much, as what it represents. The plate was alone, without a paired Captain America plastic plate with omelettes on it. This meant they were truly over, and Clint was alone.

*

It hurts.

*

Dreams of childhood come back to haunt him. He sees Barney slipping on a thin rope, feet above the ground. He remembers lions from the circus. He remembers that first time they had been placed in a foster home and Barney had been invited into their foster parent's bedroom. He remembers Barney's eyes and the dead look in them the next morning. He remembers being stabbed at age fourteen. He remembers how the school had said he was dyslexic, giving him proof and medical terms for what he had known all along - Clint was stupid, and so below the curve that the only thing he was good for was shooting at things.

He dreams of good memories too, but inexplicably, these hurt more than the bad ones. He dreams of nights spent in Phil's arms, he dreams of Budapest and New Mexico. He dreams of ice cream bars and Phil's panicked voice in his ear over the comms, he dreams of the first bunch of flowers he got, that Phil bought him, blushing to the tips of his ears, and he wakes up screaming when the flowers start oozing blood. Somewhere along the line, his brain forgot how to categorize good and bad, pleasure and pain, Coulson and love and hate. Everything is blurred now. Nat says that is for the best, that time heals everything, but Clint fears that he will forget Phil - _his_ Phil's face, that he will forget how Phil looked when Clint did something good and made him smile.

*

Three months later, he comes into the rec room on Movie night to find the entire team sans Coulson waiting for him. He hates interventions.

Bruce thrusts a folder at him, and he opens it to find the picture of a very handsome man in a suit.

"Jeffrey Wilkeson, senior engineer at Stark Telecom, young, genius, suave and handsome. You met him at the Christmas charity the Avengers did last month."

"Uh-huh." He shrugs non-committally.

"He likes you. He likes you a lot, and I like my employees happy and sane. Well, at least sane. We are working on happy. HR is a little pissed at - " Tony made air-quotes with his fingers, "at my 'demanding work ethic and lack of positive reinforcement and feedback', whatever that means, so I would appreciate it, if for the sake of keeping Pepper off my back, you would go out with him - "

"What Tony is trying to say," begins Steve with a long-suffering sigh, "is that we care about you and we would love it if you went out more."

This is crazy. This is so crazy and out of left field, that Clint has no experience to draw on. A team of superheroes were trying to set him up with a very handsome man, under the pretext of helping a billionaire, genius, philanthropist and playboy escape his CEO's very sharp tongue just so that Clint would be a little less miserable. He really did not have anything to go on here. He turned to Natasha.

"I personally vetted him. He won't make you uncomfortable."

"It is not my virtue I am worried about here, Nat, really."

"Then, what concerns you, friend Clint?" asked Thor, his tone gentle and concerned. This more than anything, breaks Clint's resolve. It is very weird to hear Thor speak without booming, and Natasha's eyes convey that Thor isn't the only one who has been concerned.

"Agent Coul-"

"Wants what is best for you," interrupted Steve, "And if you decide to continue things with Jeff, as team leader, I will be happy to file the appropriate notification of relationship status paperwork with the Avengers' official handler."

Damn, they were good. They had thought of everything, of every objection Clint may raise, every question he may ask and they had covered all their bases and cornered him at his weakest. Somehow, as the credits to 'Wrath of Khan' rolled in the background and Tony began explaining warp drive to Steve, Clint couldn't help but be grateful.

*

They sent Darcy - _Darcy_ , of all people to pick out a "first-date outfit" for him and to help him get ready.

"Hello there, little bird!" She boomed, hurting his ear drums. "I come bearing clothes! Clothes of the _'shy and appropriate'_ variety, the _'make your jaw drop'_ variety and the  _'shall get you laid tonight'_ variety. Which one do you want?"

He gapes at her, speechless at her ability to carry what seems like three dozen suits and pants and a cup of coffee without dropping either one. She takes one look at him, and goes, "I don't think I have anything to hide the _'I miss my ex so much that I want to drown in my own filth'_ vibes, though. I am a fashion genius, not a miracle worker! Thor, the big goon didn't give me enough information. Well, I can whip up some magic here, I guess. You owe me so much, Barton."

"Darce, want to know a secret?"

"Sure! Yay, I love secrets!"

"I don't think I can do this. I don't know how to do this anymore."

She pulled him into her arms, then held him at arm's length by his shoulders and whispered, "I know, babe, I know this is like learning a whole new language, I get that this is like learning to live again, but you can do this. You need to get out of this funk. It will hurt, but you have gotta try, coz the alternative is worse."

He lets her manhandle him into one of Tony's cars, and tries to ignore the team's highly unsubtle spying from the foyer.

*

Clint is nervous before the date, rubbing his sweaty palms on his trousers and trying not to hyperventilate. The Italian Restaurant Jeff has chosen is quiet and unassuming, and smells of warm bread and sauces. But he needn't have worried - they are both equally awkward at this, and Jeff, it turns out, is a really nice guy - very shy, modest and self-deprecating. He has got thick-rimmed glasses, that, on anyone else would look dorky and stupid. He is tall with dark hair, and looks good in a suit.

The conversation is engaging. Jeff is smart, Clint knew he would be if he worked for Tony. Once again, Clint finds himself dating someone who is far out of his league but he tries not to focus on that. Jeff talks about his work, about projects he is doing for Mr. Stark, and about how he dreams of building his own robot someday. He is so cute and lovely, that Clint's heart could burst with it. When it's Jeff's turn to ask questions, he steers clear of sensitive topics and asks questions that Clint is comfortable, even eager to answer. (Clearly, Nat or one of the Avengers have had a conversation with Jeff. He is not sure if this is endearing or infuriating.)

They bond over their mutual love for traveling and architecture. Clint tells him about his love for tall buildings, and they argue about the merits of height versus area. When it is time to return home, Clint is surprised at time passing so quickly. He had a good time, and he smiled more this night than in the last few months.

Jeff walks him to the revolving doors of the lobby of the Tower, kisses him goodnight, blushes and leaves. Clint stands there watching his retreating back, and tries to understand his own emotions.

*

They go out on half a dozen more dates in the next month. They go see a Broadway play on Robin Hood, because Jeff thinks Clint is the modern day equivalent. Clint doesn't have words to explain how he is more the villain to whom good things happened than a hero in his own right.

*

The first time they have sex, Clint cries. He does not know why, and he can not explain to Jeff afterward, when they are lying side by side, sated and breathing hard.

He finds out that he doesn't have to explain, when Jeff turns on his side to kiss away the tear tracks.

*

The first time Jeff runs into Coulson in the tower, they are stepping out of the elevator to go to the common kitchen for breakfast and Coulson is stepping on. Clint flushes, looking down at his chest. He is wearing Jeff's 'Stand Back I am going to try Science!' shirt, and an old pair of Nat's sweatpants. After their breakup, wearing his own clothes became hard, because everything smelled of Phil.

"Clint, Mr. Wilkeson," nodded Phil, his expression unreadable.

"Agent Coulson," Jeff nodded, looking down at where their hands were entwined.

As they walked away, Clint tries to tell himself that he imagined the flash of regret in Phil's eyes.

*

Tony is positively giddy about his chief engineer shacking up with his favorite Legolas. He names himself 'Matchmaker Extraordinaire' and initials all SI legal documents "T.S.M.E" for a week before Pepper threatens to break the coffee machine.

Clint is mesmerized as their banter makes Jeff laugh.

*

Team movie nights now include Jeff, Darcy, Jane and Coulson. They make it work, somehow.

*

When Clint nearly dies on the field for the first time after they start dating, Jeff throws a hissy fit the size of the city they just saved. Clint finds out later from Nat, when he is not high on painkillers or adrenaline, under warm covers on a bed in SHIELD Medical, that Phil had calmed Jeff down.

*

They talk about it afterward.

They talk, mainly because Clint refuses to make the same mistakes with Jeff as he made with Phil. 

"I can not stand it," sobs Jeff, into Clint's shoulder, "I can not stand it, knowing that you go out into danger everyday and there is no way of knowing if you will ever come back to me."

*

They survive. They exist, breathing together, lying side by side on Clint's bed. Some nights, Clint would wake up to find Jeff lying on top of him, his ear pressed to Clint's chest, listening to the steady thrum of his heartbeat. 

*

Phil and Jeff are different together, now. Whatever Phil said to Jeff that night, as Clint lay dying on the operating table, whatever they exchanged, they have become different men.  

They have crossed that stage of giving polite nods to each other as they pass, they have even crossed the awkward, polite "small talk when we meet in the foyer of the tower" phase. Now, Clint would walk into the living room, where Jeff is waiting to pick him up for their date, but sitting in comfortable silence with Phil, his paperwork spread out on the coffee table. It is as though they understand each other now. 

*

They fight. 

Of course, they fight. Jeff is yelling at him from across the room, about Clint's emotional unavailability, his complete lack of trust, his inability to leave the toilet seat down and Clint is giving back as good as he is getting, about Jeff being a control freak, his need to know everything and about his snoring at night. 

They fight so loud and so hard, that JARVIS intervenes at one point and calls a timeout, as Captain Rogers is getting quite concerned at the raised voices. 

Clint sleeps alone, in his bedroom in the tower that night. 

*

Early next morning, Jeff asks him to move in with him.

He says yes. 

*

Phil accepts the forms denoting change in residential address information for Agent Clint Barton, aka Hawkeye with his best poker face on. 

Somehow, it does nothing to hide the pain in his eyes. 

*

It is weird to pick out new dinner china, to have space in a closet for his clothes beside Jeff's, to have a home to call theirs. Clint does the cliched thing and spends ten minutes of their first morning in their shared home staring at their toothbrushes side by side in the plastic bathroom cup. 

*

They throw a celebratory dinner party. Clint cooks, more elaborately than he ever has and Jeff opens some of their best wine bottles. The Avengers toast "Clinteff" and argue over the benefits of names like Jeffint and Wilkerton. Clint spends the evening eating his weight in pasta, and trying to ignore the stealthy glances Phil keeps throwing in his direction. 

*

He finds out, because he has ways to find out things like this, that Jeff took Tony -  _Tony -_ ring shopping. Jeff's carefully constructed plans to propose in the same Italian restaurant as their first date go to hell, when the villain of the week strikes and Clint lies bleeding on a SHIELD operating table,  _again._ He throws caution to the wind and proposes in the hospital ward, as soon as Clint opens his eyes. 

Clint's weak and teary " _Yes"_ is lost in the jubilatory cheers of the Avengers. 

Nobody notices Phil quietly leaving the ward. 

*

Tony wants to hire swans for the wedding. Clint makes plans to get Jeff very drunk and elope to the near registration office. 

*

He is sparring with Nat in the SHIELD gym when he gets the call.  They had spent the day looking at tuxes, and she refuses to support his elopement idea because, she claims it is her one chance to be 'Best Man'.

The caller ID says 'Jeff', so he cheers up as he answers. 

"Help! Nat is trying to make me buy a five thousand dollar suit!"

"Mr. Barton, um, sorry - we found this phone. This is NY Presbyterian. There was an accident - "

*

He always thought he would be the first to go of the two of them. 

That had formed the crux of their issues, their fights and arguments; the undeniable truth that Clint may not come home one day. 

Never, in his worst nightmares, had Clint imagined this.

*

Pain, worse than when Phil left him, is possible, who knew?

*

He tells the team that he is done, he is done being Hawkeye. He wants to go to culinary school. 

Phil finds him an obscure SHIELD scholarship for rehabilitating ex-employees and makes tuition a non-issue.

*

Tony invites him back to live at the tower. He accepts. 

*

It gets worse before it gets better. 

*

When it gets better, it is because of the people who love him and support him and eat his failed experiments like it is the most delicious meal in the world at 4 am. 

When the call comes to assemble through the speakers, and everyone but him is suiting up, he feels his nerves tingling, but nothing more. 

*

He dreams of Jeff, sketching him naked on a warm Sunday morning. Dream Jeff smells of coffee, cinnamon and a little bit of machine grease. 

*

He is out of clothes again. Everything he owns smells of Jeff now. 

He would really like the universe to stop with the deja vu. 

After he spends an evening in Nat's pants and Steve's shirt, he finds boxes of new clothes outside his door next morning. 

He makes a mental note to thank Phil later. 

*

The Avengers have their favorite Clint dishes. Tony regularly offers his firstborn in exchange for Clint's lasagna. Steve flushes and admits a craving for Clint's chicken soup made from scratch. Bruce cooks with Clint, their arms brushing in silent camaraderie, as they make Thai noodles or Indian delicacies. Nat wakes him up at 5 am and demands eggs and pancakes. Thor sneaks away with Clint's cookies and hides them in secret spots all over the tower.

Phil never requests anything, never joins them for a meal if it is Clint's night to cook.

*

It all goes to hell in Budapest, again. Life has a way of mocking Clint with ironies like that. 

The team plus Coulson is chasing down a potential HYDRA remnant cult, when their cover is blown and Coulson is shot in the chest. Believing he has seconds left to live, he calls Clint.

"Hello?"

"I love you. I have always loved you. Letting you go was the worst mistake of my life. I wish you would smile more. I love you. Smile for me, baby.."

Clint is flabbergasted, and speechless with shock. 

"Ph-il?"

His voice breaks, instincts telling him what Phil isn't, telling him that something is very wrong. 

"I love you, baby."

*

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Heart monitors and SHIELD medical,  _again._

Clint is really fucking done with the deja-vu. 

*

Nat brings him crappy cafeteria coffee and sits with him outside Phil's room. 

"Are you sure?" she asks. 

"No," he replies, "but I want to try."

"He left you broken last time."

"I know."

"The others are going to be less than pleased about this," she says. It is a statement of fact.

"Handle them. Please?"

She nods, squeezes his shoulder and walks away, her pointed heels tut-tutting on the floor. 

*

When Phil finally wakes up, the team breathes a sigh of relief, before silently leaving the room. Stark gives him a look of pointed threat and warning, but he can't think of what he did to deserve it. 

"Hey."

He turns his head and finds Clint standing at the foot of his bed. Ahh, that. It comes back to him. He did _that,_ he made that phone call. 

"I am not the same man I used to be," Clint says, "I trust even less. I like scrambled eggs now. Anchovies are still a no-no. I know a lot more about mechanics and robots. I have developed a sweet tooth because Jeff wouldn't stop eating gummy bears. I have learned to love someone who is not you. I am more broken than you ever knew me. You can shatter me with a word, leave me bleeding. I love you too, baby."

They kiss, and finally, Clint is home. 

*

It is not easy. 

Clint didn't expect it to be easy. 

*

At some point, Phil gets the "hurt him and we will break you" talk from Steve, of all people. Clint figured it would be Stark, but Nat tells him later that they voted, and decided that the Captain America image would convey the point across better than Tony in a tin-can. 

*

Not everyone gets second chances, Clint knows. He knows how lucky he is, how improbable Phil and he are. 

Their love, this new love tastes different, feels different. It is different in a good way. He now sees Phil for who he is, for his flaws, for his humanity, for his capacity to make mistakes. They are more honest with each other, more open about their fears than they ever were. 

Clint is grateful for the experience, knowing that in hindsight, things always make sense. That he and Phil are two pieces of a whole make sense now, and not in a "hero worship" sort of way, but in a real way. He is grateful that Phil left him,  that Phil left him bleeding and broken, for if not, he would have never known Jeff and he would have never loved the way he does now. He would have never fallen in love with cooking, he would have never discovered pieces of himself that needed finding. He would have never known to love Phil this way. He would never have realised the plurality of people who care for him. 

It is more than he ever dreamed of. 

*

~~finis~~


End file.
